Just keeping it real...

**Just as a pre-cursor: I do not say any of the things in this post as a way to get attention or for people to pity me. I am simply looking for a release of my many emotions and hoping that some cathartic healing can happen from some free writing.**

A friend of mine recently posted on her blog that not enough people represent "real" life on their blogs but rather try to pretend everything is perfect. Well in my attempt to be real, this post might be a bit of a downer. I really hesitate to even put these very personal words out there, especially because those closest to me are suffering with this trial far more than I ever care to imagine and I don't want to make light of their pain. Here it is though.

Today has been a very tough day. I just got word that my 7th and newest nephew has just arrived. He is healthy and strong and big and apparently has a lot of dark brown hair. I'm sure he is gorgeous as are all the children born in my family. I will see him next week and I am genuinely excited. I love him already and am anxious to get to know him better.

The sad part came when through the phone I heard him cry. I lost it. I lost it because a year ago today I really, literally lost "it." I don't know if "it" was a boy or a girl because we were robbed of the chance to meet. My baby, my child, was taken from me so suddenly and so harshly that I am left to refer to him or her as an it. I hate that. I think I hate that more than anything about this stupid and unfair situation. A mother should be able to know whether her child is a boy or a girl.

A mother should be able to hold her child and rock them to sleep, not watch what is left of their pathetic little body be flushed down a toilet. If you've ever had the misfortune of doing this you know what I mean. You know how you feel like a murderer and how no amount of logic can convince you that it wasn't your fault. You know how it feels to want to have morning sickness or back pain. To be nauseous at the sight or smell of food. To not get any sleep at night because your baby is kicking so much. You want all of these "burdens" and you'd do almost anything to have them because if these things are present that means your baby is present.

A year ago today I had a "spontaneous abortion," a term which brings a pit to my stomach almost instantly. I had a miscarriage. But what I really had was a little piece of my heart broken off and moved somewhere else. This place is hard for me to visit because of the sad feelings I have when I'm there, but I know it's necessary to go so that I never forget that perfect little spirit who lived inside me for 9 precious weeks.

To those who have suffered this loss and far worse and who have suffered it repeatedly, I am so deeply sorry. I draw strength and courage from you more than you know. Miscarriage is like a thief in the night that leaves behind a nasty trail of tears, guilt and "what ifs" but our Heavenly Father is the ultimate comforter, who stands by us every step of the way on this scary trail and picks us up when we fall. And when we fall again, He is there again. I have gained such a testimony of His power over the last year and I know He lives. I know He is protecting my child while I cannot. I know He will allow me the opportunity to raise that sweet spirit in His Gospel again. I do not know whether that will happen in this life or the next but I know He will not take that from me as long as I am faithful.

I also know that I have a great responsibility to the child who thankfully is alive and whom I will get to raise in this life. Words cannot express my love and gratitude for my angel, Kiara and for the light she radiates. I believe the veil is very thin for her and I believe she has been comforted directly by her Father in Heaven. I know she was meant to be in our family at this time and that she will be a leader to all of her siblings whenever they come to us. For her, as well as for her unbelievable father, who has lost a child too (I do not mean to sound as if I am the only one affected by this loss) I am grateful above all else. Now, I will go rock this amazing child and I will tell her over and over again how much I do love her and how special she is. Plus I have the hope that tomorrow will be a better day but even if it's not, things will be okay because there will always be someone there to pull me up.

Kiara-ism

Kiara & I were looking for Ben after church today when Kiara said,

"Where'd Daddy go? Did he fall? Fall off the table?"

The resemblance is uncanny!

We were watching The Cosby Show tonight when Kiara saw Raven Symone and started shouting "It's K-Mae, it's K-Mae."

A few minutes later she made Ben's day when she said "It's Daddy" when Bill Cosby came in the scene.

It's always been Ben's dream to be like Bill Cosby and more specifically Cliff Huxtable. Well tonight he got one step closer! Congratulations!

And then there was no light!

We had a little bit of excitement last night when the power went out on our whole street (and maybe farther, I haven't heard). Kiara was in bed but wasn't asleep yet and got a little nervous when her nightlights and music went off so we got her up and let her sit with us. Luckily I had just bought a 32 pack of votive candles from Ikea last week and amazingly could find them in the dark. Kiara thought they were pretty cool and sat like this for awhile.

Some phrases we heard over and over last night:

"Ooh cannles"

"Oh hot"

"I wanna smell 'em"

"Scoot back" (said by her, we never told her that)

"Sing happy birthday"

And so we sang...and sang...and sang some more

Finally we decided to make a campout out of it and try to go to sleep. We brought our air mattress out to the living room and had a great time. We also discovered the night setting on our camera and apparently it works very well!

It was kind of fun to have a couple of hours without the TV, computer, radio, etc. and just play together as a family. When the lights did come back on at 11:30 though I have to say I was pretty relieved. My main concern was all the food that would go bad in the fridge & freezer and how Ben would get his car out of the garage for work this morning but luckily it didn't go that far.

And {a different} love goes on...

Ben's first comment when we looked at this house was the great potential the living room had for a Nerf basketball hoop. We finally bought one tonight and it turns out he's not the only one who will enjoy it. I LOVE these shots (no pun intended)!

Our little cheerleader!

Kiara got this adorable cheerleading outfit for her birthday (thanks Larisa!) but in the midst of the trip back east and the move and everything I kept forgetting to try it on. Well I finally remembered the other day and let's just say she got right into character and refused to take it off all day. Here she is doing the "Chichen-Itza Pizza" cheer from Backyardigans. Notice Ben is quite the cheerleader himself!

Taking a little break after some exhausting cheering. (We just got the table/chair set and dishes from Ikea and she is obsessed with them! Worth every penny!) Mommy & Daddy Bunnybear took time out of their busy schedule to have a snack too but they can't quite see the table so Kiara insisted I prop them on our wedding album. I love watching the way her mind works!

Random Kiara

Kiara knows me too well and knows that I don't tend to mop the floor until I'm forced to, so the other night she decided to force me! She got in the fridge (which she can open by herself now--it's a big problem!) and perused for awhile. I came over and asked her (very nicely I'm sure) to get out of the fridge. She (very nicely) obeyed but accidentally took the whole top shelf of the fridge with her. I should have taken a picture of the floor after the shelf fell but if you can imagine a mixture of watermelon, pickles, eggs (brand new carton), rice and water, that was the mess we got to clean up. Ben was at a game that night so it was up to Kiara and me to get things spic and span. Here is my cute little helper mopping. She really loves to dust and wipe things too.

When we were kids my mom always wore silk nightgowns and cut out pieces of her old ones as snuggle buddies for us. Somewhere along the lines they got named "beendts" and when we got Kiara my mom found my old one for me. She has always loved to sleep with it but today she decided to accessorize with it. I helped her tie it but she came up with the idea all on her own.

What a show!

We had a great time at the concert Thursday. I didn't want it to end. Augustana did a great job, although their set was really short. Then after about 40 minutes of anxious waiting Counting Crows finally took the stage. I felt like a little girl squeeling with excitement when I saw the shadow of Adam's dreads come on stage. It was great. They had a great show, although it was a lot shorter than I would have liked because Maroon 5 closed that night. They are great performers, especially Adam Duritz and I would pay to see them over and over again. Maroon 5 was really good too, although they didn't really do different versions of their songs like CC did. All in all it was a great night and I can't wait until they tour again.

It was totally dark by the time CC came out so I couldn't get any good pictures but here is one of Adam playing the piano in A Long December. Some day I'll be able to play like that!

The love goes on...

So Kiara was standing here as I just made that last post and she saw the picture of Adam Duritz. She asked if he was a daddy and I said yes, probably illegitimately but yes, then she asked if he was cool. I said yeah, he's really cool, his name is Adam. She is now running around the living room yelling, "Yay, cool daddy Adam. Cool daddy." I guess my love for the Crows will continue on into the next generation!

Adam here I come!

Ben is the coolest husband in the world and surprised me with tickets to the Counting Crows/Maroon 5/Augustana concert tomorrow!

I have been in love with Adam Duritz and the Counting Crows for as long as I can remember and have been a big fan of Maroon 5 since they hit the radio with "This Love." I saw them together with John Mayer in '03 and loved them (except for the corpse John Mayer--he is so boring in concert! Great musician, not so great entertainer).

Anyway I have been wanting to go to this show since I found out about it a few months ago but kept saying we shouldn't spend the money (somehow it's not so fun to spend money anymore now that we have Kiara!) but Ben was planning on it and saving for it all along so Adam here I come! I can't wait!

Cute little Cassidy

My sister-in-law had this hilarious video of my ADORABLE niece on her blog and I had to copy it on to mine. This is not Cassidy's normal voice, by the way, just her being a little goofy. I don't know if people who don't know Cass will find it amusing but I have watched it about 20 times this morning and laugh harder every time.

Champions!

Well one of our baseball seasons is finally over (the Red Sox still have another month to go)!

I can hardly believe it. Ben's team really turned it on in the postseason and won the whole league series! He is really excited, especially because this means he will get a championship ring. To a baseball nut like him, not to mention one who is so loyal to his teams, this is a huge deal and I am so happy for him. Another cool thing is the team was featured in an article in ESPN magazine. It was on the best promotions in minor league baseball and they won for "Best High School Time Warp" for their "Prom Gone Wrong" night. Here is the article (minus identifying information):

The picture is kind of small and hard to see but Ben is in the front row next to the girl in the teal dress. Kinda cool!

Warning signs!

What are the top 3 signs you go to Target too much?

#3-You drive past Target and your daughter starts trying to get out of her carseat while saying, "Target! Shopping!"

#2-You tell your daughter to get her shoes on, it's time to go and she responds by saying, "Yeah, Target!"

And the #1 sign you go to Target too much: Your daughter sees a big black circle drawn on some cardboard and says, "Hey Target! It's Target in the house!"

What she saw was this:

My lame attempt to entertain my friend's 6 year old with a bullseye "game."

I guess I should inform Target that their marketing campaign is working!

Tagged by Rachel!

20 years ago.....
1-I was just starting Kindergarten. Yikes!
2-I was racing a friend to the bus stop when I tripped on my backpack strap and rolled down the hill. My lack of coordination was never more apparent than that day and I still have the scar to prove it!
3-Tiffany Ham & I were inseparable--kinda cool that we still are except for the states that physically separate us!
4-I wanted to be anywhere my big brothers were. I drove them crazy!
5-I can't remember anything else from when I was 5

10 years ago.....
1-I was a sophomore at Cottonwood High School.
2-My first nephew, Stockton, was born and I was ecstatic to finally be an aunt!
3-The next day I had my first kiss and was SO nervous!
4-I couldn't wait to start driver's ed and get my license.
5-I finally got rid of my bangs!

5 years ago....
1-I was newly engaged and the happiest I had ever been!
2-I was working as a Special Ed aide and going to school at UVSC.
3-Ben & I drove to AZ for my cousin's wedding and my car died 45 minutes into the trip home. We were stuck there for 4 extra days and ended up buying a new car to drive home. Hindsight: not the best decisions we've ever made but we learned a lot from them!
4-My 2nd niece, Cassidy, was born while we were stuck in AZ and I was so mad I missed it. I've had to work hard at spoiling her since then so she knows I'm her favorite.
5-I got married!

3 years ago....
1-We had just moved back to Utah after a [long] summer internship in Montana and I was very happy to be back.
2-Ben was done with school and working for the Grizzlies.
3-I was working for Countrywide Home Loans just wanting to be a mom.
4-We got our life-changing, totally incorrect and callous, yet life-saving diagnosis about our infertility. Best thing that could have ever happened to us to get us onto adoption in time for Kiara. Thank you you cold hearted Nurse Practitioner. We owe you so much!
5-We lived in a small one bedroom apartment but it had a washer & dryer included so we were in Heaven!

1 year ago...
1-We found out we were expecting a miracle baby and were over the moon.
2-We lost our miracle at 9 weeks.
3-We made the scariest decision of my life to move from UT to CA and I was sure I wouldn't be able to handle it. Look at me now--one year later and couldn't be happier here (except if we were in UT!).
4-We took Kiara to Disneyland for the first time and she started walking there. We also saw the Red Sox beat the Angels in the ALDS and then the following month Ben got to go to Colorado to see them win Game 3 of the World Series against the Rockies. Talk about cloud 9!
5-My friend, Ashley, suggested I make a "blog." What the heck is that? Doesn't really sound like something I'd be interested in but thanks anyway, Ash!

This Year....
1-We moved again, although not as far.
2-We have all changed more than I ever thought possible.
3-We have made 2 trips to Utah and will make 3 more before the year is over.
4-We started the adoption process again and strapped ourselves in for a roller coaster ride.
5-We have been to San Francisco 3 times and love it more every time.

Yesterday...
1-I went to Target and showed great self discipline by only buying 3 items, all of which were things I needed and planned on getting. (How you ask? By not grabbing a cart and having milk as one of the 3 items. Only way to do it!)
2-Kiara & I took a walk in the nice cooler weather.
3-I blogged and blogged and blogged. What great therapy!
4-Some great friends stopped by and helped pass the time until Ben got home from his game.
5-I watched the second part of the One Tree Hill season premiere and got way too into it. So many surprises!

Today...
1-I am putting off doing laundry.
2-I booked our airfare for our October UT visit to help with my new niece/nephew as well as our November UT visit for Thanksgiving.
3-I got some killer deals at Children's Place for Kiara's fall wardrobe. Thanks Auntie Gina!
4-I am craving Cherry Dr. Pepper from Sonic. Too bad Happy Hour is over.
5-Ben has another game so a couple of friends are coming over to make some VT handouts.

Tomorrow....
1-Ben doesn't have a game so we will get to have dinner together. It will be short lived though because we each have meetings at 7:00.
2-I should do laundry.
3-I HAVE to get an oil change--been putting this one off for several hundred miles now!
4-I will catch up on my Tivo-ed "Ace Of Cakes" episodes.
5-I will not go to Sonic Happy Hour for a Cherry Dr. Pepper. I cannot. It won't happen!

Next Year....
1-We will hopefully have another child.
2-We will hopefully have a raise/promotion. (Don't we always want that?)
3-I will hopefully be one step closer to finishing my degree.
4-We will probably need to replace Ben's car.
5-I will be amazed that it has been a whole year since writing this!


I tag Allison, Kristen & Michelle--give it a try, I promise it's more fun than you'd think!
(By the way, technically you only need to give 4 answers but given my OCD need to have everything in increments of 5, I had no choice.)

Kiara-ism

Kiara: "Did you hear that?" (She says while she cups her hand around her ear)
Mom: "What?"
Kiara: "BIKERCYCLE! WHOA!"

I almost drove the car off the road I was laughing so hard!

Crazy hat lady

Kiara has taken a recent liking to hats but I only let her wear them on days when I haven't fixed her hair (for reasons mentioned in the previous post, her hair is way too hard to do to have it messed up by a hat)!

I love the first picture with her Dora "bling". Move over J-Lo!

Kiara's new do

I find myself bored doing the same old thing with Kiara's hair every day so I try and experiment every once in a while. This is dangerous for a few different reasons. Mainly because if you touch the hair too much it can get frizzy and then there's no recovering until the next wash (I can only wash it once a week or it will dry out like crazy) but even more importantly, if I go one minute too long and she runs out of patience, it's all over.

I have tried a couple of different styles, including braiding because I have had several African-American moms suggest this to me, but nothing ever looks good. Well last week Kiara was especially cooperative, as was her hair, and we stumbled upon a fun new style. It's one "Rosemary ponytail" as my mom used to call it when she fixed my hair like that (I think the lady who taught her how to do it was named Rosemary) on the top, basically just a pony flipped through the center, and then two regular pony tails in the back. It's really simple, stays in very well overnight and seems to retain moisture great too, which is a huge perk. Plus I don't think it looks half bad!

I love seeing all her different shades of brown come out. Her hair has lightened so much since she was born it's crazy. I love my little beauty queen!

Simply grateful

I don't want to get too sappy or serious but I just have been overcome with gratitude the last few days for these two faces:

I am so lucky to have a husband that works as hard as Ben does and never complains. He has such a strong work ethic and will stop at nothing to provide a great life for Kiara and me. He is so righteous and is a great strength to me without making me feel inadequate. I remember when we were dating and my SIL asked me how I knew I loved him, I said that he made me want to be a better person to be worthy of him but at the same time made me feel like I was perfect the way I was. 5 years later I feel that love even stronger and am so grateful.

The amazing thing is now I feel the same way about Kiara. Every day I am in awe of her. She is such a special child and I know she has a real purpose in this life. I cannot get over how quickly she learns new things and how aware she is of her surroundings, even of other people's feelings. I was sick all of last week (hence the blogging drought) and several times each day she would get right next to my face and say "Mommy you ok?" and then give me a kiss. Each time she did it I felt a little bit better. It was the best medicine I've ever had!

There are always things that go wrong in life or could go better but I'm humbled at the tender mercies our Lord shows us on a regular basis and the reminders He sends that we are never alone. There are a few people I hold most dear in my life are suffering excruciatingly right now and I am so sorry. Please know I would do anything to take your pain away if I could. I know Ben and Kiara and I will likely hit some speed bumps in the road ahead, especially on our adoption road, but I am grateful for the knowledge that I have that our Heavenly Father will never leave us and that He can get us through anything. This means everything to me.

Well so much for not getting too sappy or serious. Oh well, you can't fight what you're feeling. Here's to a great Monday night and let's hope that Ben's team starts losing so they can get eliminated from the playoffs and the season will end soon!

(I know, wife of the year right here. Can you say supportive?)