I cannot believe that I haven't blogged since August. Life has been busy and surprising since then and I'll definitely have to do a picture update soon. My kids are so grown up and I fall more in love with both of them each day.
Tonight though, my heart is heavy; there is no other way to describe it. For those who don't know our story, I'll give the Reader's Digest version. Almost 6 years ago we were told that pregnancy was never going to happen for us and to "move on." We did that and just a few months after receiving our infertility diagnosis, our little angel Kiara arrived. We jumped in to the adoption world with both feet in and became passionate advocates for the process. We "moved on."
Then in September of 2007 we found out we were pregnant. We were shocked and excited beyond words. Then at 9 weeks, after hearing a healthy heartbeat twice, we suddenly and inexplicably lost our baby. It was a devastating loss to say the least and really changed our family forever. After quite a lot of grieving, questioning and praying, we made peace with the miscarriage and once again, "moved on." Two years later, to the day, we brought home our perfect little Boston and felt like the missing piece to our family's puzzle was finally home.
Fast forward to October of this year (4 years after losing our first biological baby), we found out that {miraculously} we were pregnant again. It wasn't supposed to be possible to get pregnant the first time, in fact medically speaking it was a total fluke and the odds of it happening again were virtually nonexistent. So when it did happen again we were once again shocked and beyond excited.
We took the home tests on a Saturday night so first thing Monday morning I called the dr. and explained our situation to his nurse. She advised me to go in to the lab that day and get my blood drawn in order to measure my hcg and progesterone levels. I then had to go back on Wednesday to make sure that my hcg had doubled. When we found out that it had essentially doubled and the progesterone was above the dangerous level, we breathed a huge sigh of relief. The nurse said things were good and that we just needed to wait until the 6-7 week mark to hear the baby's heartbeat. At this point we were only 5 weeks along so we scheduled our ultrasound appointment for 2 weeks away.
Things continued to go well and while there were some similarities to the first pregnancy (like not throwing up), overall I felt much different this time around. For one thing I was easily nauseated, had no appetite and was ALWAYS exhausted. I seriously couldn't make it through the day without lying down. All these symptoms encouraged me and made me grateful to "feel pregnant."
I wanted so badly to provide a healthy and safe environment for my new baby and I took every precaution I knew about. I took prenatal vitamins, completely cut out caffeine (which is huge for me, especially since I was so tired all the time), ate much healthier than normal, rested whenever I could, etc.
It turned out to not be enough though because the night before we were scheduled to go in and hear our baby's heartbeat, I started bleeding. I knew instantly what was going on and I prayed so hard for courage to accept the awful outcome. Ben was in Chicago for work that week and was waiting to fly home when the bleeding started. My prayers were also that the inevitable would stall for a few hours until Ben got home, I couldn't imagine going through the impending hell without him by my side.
Those prayers were quickly answered as the bleeding turned to spotting and eventually Ben got home. Luckily our appointment was already scheduled for 9am Friday morning so we got right in. It wasn't long before we were in the ultrasound room waiting for the dr. to come in. It was such a weird experience. Logically we both knew that our sweet baby was already gone but emotionally we still had to hold out a little hope that a miracle was about to happen. After all,
this baby's whole existence was a miracle to begin with so maybe there was still a chance. Quickly though, that hope was extinguished as the dr. confirmed our fears.
We left the office totally heartbroken, discouraged and confused. Just like 4 years ago, we had "moved on" from being pregnant then were unexpectedly given the opportunity to be pregnant only to have it vanish a few weeks later.
It has now been a month and my coping strategy has mainly been one of denial and distraction. I knew it wouldn't last forever but it was working for a while. Today though, was proof that it isn't working anymore. Today I felt a type of pain and sadness that I haven't felt in 4 years. I felt an emptiness that I fear won't be filled any time soon. I felt sorrow that my little girl wants a little sister and I can't give her one. I felt guilt that despite my best efforts, my body once again failed my child. I felt regret that there was a baby trying to get to our family and couldn't, and that we won't soon get to know him or her. I felt sadness that there is no longer a reason to buy the little baby trinkets or maternity clothes I had imagined getting for Christmas.
Today I felt a lot and my heart is now heavy because of that. I am missing the baby who left us too soon and I am desperate for answers on where to go next. I know those answers will come, they always do. I know in the end that all will be well, it always is. I know eventually we will "move on", we always do. But as for tonight, I will grieve for my child who is missing and tomorrow I will try hard to be a better mom to the two little miracles who are already home.
