Work in progress

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I'm afraid it's reached in to my blogging.

You see the past month, well the past couple of months, well 2009 really has been especially challenging for our little family. I won't go in to unnecessary detail or use this as a forum to whine but I will say I've hit some lows recently.

I have had several occasions to doubt my sanity and think I've reached my breaking point.

I have complained endlessly to a loving Father in Heaven, as well as to an amazing father (and mother) in Utah.

I have stated that I'm emotionally spent and that I can't keep running on empty.

And I have also informed anyone that would listen that I can't take a whole lot more.

Most of these whines came in response to roadblocks we've been encountering in our quest to get our next child home. To put it simply, it has been hard.

But as Ben and I were driving home from a Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) class last week, we realized it has to be hard. If it weren't hard we wouldn't learn anything and if we didn't learn anything than there would be no point.

The other thing we realized is how fortunate we really are. There are many people around us, including many readers of this blog, who have been valiantly trying to add to their family for years upon years.

Some have lost a child or children along the way. That is a loss that cannot be put into words and I'm afraid that it's so common that people don't realize how tragic and heartbreaking it really is. We have lost one child, that is enough. To my dear family and friends who have endured this hell multiple times, you know of the respect and admiration of strength I have for you. I could not walk in your shoes.

To those who have endured failed adoptions or multiple year waits, my heart goes out to you. Adoption is not for the faint of heart and there are emotions and struggles involved in the process that nobody can ever imagine unless you've personally traveled the path. It has the power to consume your whole life and make you focus on what's missing in your life, rather than realizing all you have for which to be grateful. This is a struggle for me every day.

As I mentioned, Ben and I attended a wonderful FSA class last week. It was called "Dealing with grief and emotions involved with adoption." In this class the teacher made the point that the grief cycle is pretty much never-ending in adoption and most people move from one phase to another almost non-stop throughout the process. I had never looked at it that way before and I dare say the same philosophy holds true in every aspect of every person's life. It seems everyone is always dealing with anger, depression, bargaining, denial or acceptance in regard to something in their life.

So what phase am I currently enjoying? Acceptance. Finally. Ask me tomorrow and I may very well be back at anger but for today, I am accepting, and loving, my life as is. And what a great life it is!

I have come to the decision that I would rather face rejection after rejection, heartbreak after heartbreak with this man,

than live a carefree life of roses and lemonade without him. He is the reason for my strength (what little I have left) and determination. He is my motivation to do a little better today than I did yesterday and his eternal companionship is the ultimate prize for which I am striving every day. I have to be worthy of him and I will be. His love and support is the most powerful force in my life and I would be a shattered person without it.

And then there's this little girl:

Words can't express the responsibility I feel for her. She is such an example to me of joy and optimisim and she deserves the best mom in the world. I am striving to be as close to that as possible. I may not ever reach "the best" but I can at least do better than I currently am and I know she will be there to encourage me and inspire me along the way. She has started asking me where her brother is and I have promised her that I will get him home eventually. No matter how hard it gets or how much I feel like throwing in the towel, I know I can't let her down and I will keep trying as long as I have to to give her everything she deserves and more.

I have a few birthday posts to catch up on, as well as some miscellaneous posts, but for now I am going to enjoy my current day of acceptance and go play with my daughter. Oh, and I will also be stopping by Sonic during Happy Hour since I couldn't go yesterday. Have I mentioned I'm addicted?